Running the Race in a Hamster Wheel


Every day for two years I’d wake up and ache from head to toe.

Is this COVID or the crippling weight of depression and feeling helpless?

I’d come to work and do my best to bring hope and comfort with me.

It felt like a miracle because I fed the people I ministered to:

Every time they reached into the basket, they pulled something out,

Even though I was sure I had never put anything in.

But at the end of the two years, I didn’t collect more than I gave out;

I collected eighty pounds from stress eating and an ever-widening bald spot.



Every day for a year and a half I’d wake up and the loss would drag me down.

We kept trying, but every time it didn’t work all the old wounds opened back up,

Hemorrhaging all our hopes and casting us back down into the pit we just climb out of.

I felt like it was my fault; I felt like I let you down.

You felt like it was your fault; you felt like you let me down.

No one was to blame but my anger needed somewhere to go, so I hurled it at the heavens.

I screamed profanities at the sky cursing God for letting us down.

No one was to blame; I’ve tried to let go.



Every day for the past twenty-three years I’ve woken up and struggled to find

The meaning in my mental illness: the depression around my shoulders,

The anxiety racing through my brain, stealing my peace of mind.

Like Paul and the thorn in his side I’ve begged for you to take it away.

Like my own personal Jesus I embraced the scars as a sign of my humility,

Never realizing how vain I was being.

Like a phantom limb I’m haunted by the memory of what used to be there,

My brain clinging to what my body lost years ago.



I’ve learned how to endure suffering,

But I’m not sure what hasn’t killed me has made me stronger.

I’m trying to hold up the sky,

But there’s a stitch in my side and my legs are shaking.

The next time I roll this rock up the hill,

I’m worried it’s going to crush me when it rolls back down,

And in this dry and weary land,

I can’t find a single damn drop of water.

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