Poems of Doubtful Hope

You said not to worry about what we eat or drink; My basic needs are met. I can't remember the last time I missed a meal Or wasn't able to drink whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. You said not to worry about what we would wear; Unless you count clothes that used to fit being too tight, I'm all set there, too. I'm warm and secure, and the vanity and pride in my life Has nothing to do with what I put on. I'm not trying to add any hours to my life. Sometimes I wonder if the hours I've already had are too much. The Golden Rule is feeling tarnished, My salt is piled up to be scattered during the next ice storm, And I don't know where my treasure is, But I think it's been rusty moth food for years. But I'm still worried. I'm worried this dark fortnight of the soul Will keep creeping along the calendar Until all my days are swallowed up By an inky blackness that hangs over me Like an oppressive thundercloud. The lord of the wind and waves is out to...

All throughout scripture The party line has always been God is at work in ways you can't see. I've been disappointed a lot in life, So I think I've taken that a step further: I try to live my life as though I'll be okay Whether or not you do anything. The Psalmist says  "If The Lord hadn't been there, Just think about how much worse it could have been!" As he gestures to the widespread devastation and destruction. Just think how much harder everything would be  If God wasn't around to lower the difficulty level From insurmountable to extreme. I don't mean to complain. Despite my struggles I am truly blessed Beyond anything I might hope to deserve. Every time I hurl my laments towards the heavens I can't help but wonder  Whether I'm a Job with a legitimate complaint, Or a Jonah wishing God was as petty as I am. The enemies have come, The creek done rose, And though I find myself bedraggled and wet, Bruised and battered,  I am still on my fee...

 Four in the morning, Wake up to my wife in tears Because the baby won't sleep For what feels like the millionth night in a row. I jump out of bed, empty my bladder, And head into his room. He screams in his crib; Who could say why? At nine months old there's countless reasons to cry. I carry him to the recliner, Lay his little head on my chest, And cover us both with a blanket that barely comes down to my knees. The screaming has stopped, But the wiggling persists As he squirms and snots on my chest. I worry he'll crawl off me and fall. I worry I'll never get a good night's sleep again. I worry the worries only Mom and Dad know. He falls back asleep. Do I dare try and put him back down? Nothing ventured, nothing gained: The recliner couldn't be any louder As I release the handle and bring it back down. I sit on the couch and write this poem while I wait to see if he stays asleep. I never understood a parent's love  Until I woke up to screams at four in the ...

They listen, but no one really hears. They're watching, but no one understands a thing.  The minds are dulled,  The ears are stoppered, The eyes stare off into the middle distance,  And no one is paying attention anymore.  How long, O Lord? The waters rise with the thermostat As we sit in our pots,  Slowing boiling because the water used to be fine. Some shout it still is.  Wildfires rage and hurricanes devastate, But the pandemic was just a hoax.  How long, O Lord?  The rich eat the poor while the other poor defend the rich,  Choosing instead to blame immigrants or something crazier,  Like the deep state or secret satanic pedophiles. The gap grows wider and wider  Between the people who have power and the people who gave it to them, And corporations with deep pockets pull the strings.  How long, O Lord? The mentally ill are ostracized,  Those struggling with addiction only have themselves to blame.  The only sin that...

 When I look in your eyes I see home: A nebulous concept entangled in the power of your presence. I hold you close and know that I am safe; Home is in your arms and holding you in mine. When I look in your eyes I see a girl: Seventeen and afraid her braces will show when she smiles. I remember the excitement of young love: The first time I held your hand and it felt like my heart would beat out of my chest. The first time we kissed and the world was swallowed up in rapturous joy. Being in love for the first time and being overjoyed with life. When I look in your eyes I see the woman I married: Barely old enough to drink but drunk on love. Both of us enamored in the ecstasy of being together forever, Neither one of us knowing what that meant. We were young and poor and foolish enough to believe in things we didn't understand. When I hold you in my arms I know the mother of my children: I think back to sleepless nights, tossing and turning, Your stomach roiling and your body in agony...

 Let us go then, you and I,  When the evening is spread out against the sky Like a corpse after a particularly gruesome autopsy. We'll spin our wheels on the same old shit, Not sure why we do half of it,  Unable to sit still but too scared to move,  And afraid to ask ourselves the overwhelming Question that hangs insidiously in the background And dares us to ask... Oh, never mind.  Let's keep it light and watch a show to unwind.  "This election is the most important there's ever been!" "My top ten tricks for staying thin!" My anxiety lurks around every corner Hunting us through the nights and days,  Lingering in the air with malicious and insidious intent, And then someone makes a simple clarification So it drapes itself across my shoulders and falls asleep.  There will be time.  There will be time to be anxious, time to find joy,  Time to express all the various emotions of chaos and wonder,  Time to prepare the perfect post to acc...

 I can't see the truth right in front of me.  Who's fault is it?  Was I born blind?  Am I the victim of someone else's mistakes?  I can't believe that my brokenness happened so someone else could see a miracle; The God of Mercy doesn't withhold gifts for a future magic trick.    He called himself light and set about the work before night came. Did I miss that part? Because I'm lost in the darkness.  I felt the gift before.  When I was young, everything was so simple.  The scales fell from my eyes, I washed off the mud,  And I could see so clearly.  Then the Pharisees came.  They told me I couldn't really see if I didn't look like them.  They tried to convince me I was wrong, but I don't agree: I also don't see as clearly as I did before.  Then the Doubters came.  They told me what I believed was a lie and I had been given  My sight so I could walk away and be free, but I didn't agree.  I also see e...