Perissos

Abundance is scary.
For some reason, the idea of more than enough
Feels like more than I can handle.
Maybe it's because an abundance of feelings
Is what pushed my mother over the edge of depression
And into the pit of a psychotic break.
Maybe it's because most of the things I've experienced abundantly
Aren't good things like joy and life
But things like depression and anxiety,
Overeating and self-indulgence,
Suffering and rejection. 

Abundance feels greedy. 
If I have more than enough, 
Does that mean someone else goes without?
Am I a bad person if I embrace abundance
When I know that there are people all around me
Who are barely scraping by, 
Always coming up short?
If I accept the abundance God has come to offer,
Does that mean I have to believe
Someone like me deserves to be happy?

Abundance invites over-indulgence,
And I would be hard-pressed to deny
There are things in my life where I keep taking
Even when I know that the best thing
(For me and for everyone else)
Would be to cut myself off and go without.
I could fill an impressively large hole
With all the empty things I've consumed
Trying to convince myself I was happy,
Just not a hole as big as the one in my soul. 

Abundance will always be taken advantage of;
Some people are so desperately afraid of not having enough
They cling tight to things they don't even need
Just in case they might find a use for them some day. 
But some of us go without just in case:
In case someone more worthy comes by,
In case God's grace comes up short and there's not enough to go around,
In case filling our cup mean we might have no excuse not to drink.
Because for all who are thirsty, the water is free,
But, I should warn you, it costs everything.