Eloi! Eloi! Lama Sabachthani

My God, My God, why have I forsaken myself?
Why do I wander so far from the sources of life and comfort?
Every day, God, I make my own selfish choices,
And every night, I lie awake wondering why my soul knows no rest.

You are holy.
Your grace and presence should bring comfort,
But instead I find myself cringing in the light,
Trying to find somewhere to hide as my deeds are laid bare
Before one to whom no one could hope to compare.
Many have come before me and entrusted themselves to you,
Believing in your ability to save them.
I believe in your ability to save others,
Yet I still try to save myself without your help.
I feel scorned and despised by all who see me,
Unable to find the line between my mental illness and reality
As fears blur into experiences and shame bends my back so low.

Humble me today, Lord.
Renew in me the trust I have known in your goodness.
My feet cannot carry me to you;
I beg that you draw near to me.
I have strived to be stronger,
But perhaps what I need is weakness.
If that's so, I ask that you would lay me low.
Forge me in the crucible of your mercy
To make me anew to be of use to you.
If I need to be brought lower then bring me down,
But if I have suffered enough,
I long to hear you speak comfort to me.

I feel like I've spent years waiting on Holy Saturday,
Stuck between the cross and the empty tomb.
I have seen the suffering of the righteous.
I have seen the victorious, hypocritical crowd.
I have watched the weight of my own selfishness crush the oppressed,
And now I am wallowing in the depths of hopelessness.
I want to believe in the dawning sun that's coming,
Even if all I see is darkness.
I want to give up and go fishing.
I want redemption without enduring reformation.
I want to sing of your wonders to future generations,
Proclaiming the fulfillment of your deliverance.