Uncapping The Fire Hydrant

"Feelings are dangerous"
Is a feeling I'm still struggling not to feel.
I don't want to open the floodgates
Lest I be overwhelmed with an emotional deluge
So relentless that even just the thought
Of it happening makes me tired.
So I live my life at a distance from myself,
Muted colors and dampened sensations.

I thought I was better.
I thought my depression and anxiety
Were under control;
Consistent, but manageable.
Irksome, but not unbearable.
Shouldn't I feel worse if things are worse?
Have I gotten so good at lying to myself
I don't even know when I'm doing it anymore?

I'm still waiting on my white knight.
My savior who'll slay my dragons
And lead me out of the darkness
Back to a place where joy feels possible again.
But the truth is I'm kidnapper and hostage
All rolled up into one.
If you slay the dragon,
Will there be enough of me left to save?

I hate how easy it is to doubt myself.
I hate how hard it is to believe I'm worthwhile.
I hate how easy it is for my brain
To cling to the paradoxical belief
That I am both incapable of doing anything right
And simultaneously never in need of help.
I hate that we don't talk anymore,
And I hate that it's my fault
Even if I'd like to pretend it's yours.

Wake up, dead heart.
Hear well, deaf ears.
Watch closely, blind eyes.
For what?
I can't say.
But don't believe there's nothing
Left out there for you to experience.
Don't forget where
you've been
Or where you still long to go.

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