Who I've Been Hates Who I Am

Shame keeps me from doing what I can.
Shame makes it harder to do what I do.
Every time I look someone in the eye,
I'm afraid.
Afraid that they'll see through my half-hearted facade.
Afraid that my cover will be blown;
I'll finally have to admit my doubts,
The whole house of cards will come tumbling down.
Afraid that I'm not strong enough.
Afraid that I can't keep white knuckling my way forward,
Desperately pretending I'm not falling apart.

Ashamed to not be stronger.
Ashamed that I haven't done more.
Ashamed that I'm drifting along,
Barely getting by, when people need my help.
Ashamed of my weakness.
Ashamed that I can't shake my sins.
Ashamed to not be a holier holy man.
Ashamed to not believe more fervently.
Ashamed that my continued existence
Is an obstacle to God using someone more competent
Who would undoubtedly do a better job
Being the person I wish I was.

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