Words Coming Out as Fast as They Can

My mask is breaking, enamel flaking,
Straps threadbare, my hands are shaking
As I slide it on and try to survive;
In times like these, who could hope to thrive?
A moment of comfort as my face is hidden
Then the thoughts that come unbidden
Weigh me down as I trudge along:
"How long can you keep singing the song
Of hope? Because your voice is cracking,
Your knees are weak; the volume is lacking.
So is any conviction that might empower
The words you're aping hour after hour.
Do you think anyone's fooled by this act?
Your mask is wearing thin." I don't react.
If I don't acknowledge the pain, it's not real
And I can pretend that I don't feel
Like the world is on fire and my brain is too.
Just smile through the pain as you ask, "How are you?"
Of the people you wish you could care about like you should,
And would be doing just that if only you could
Shake off the trauma that haunts you through
The halls where you've watched people die,
Talking about regrets as they rage and cry.
Looking to you to help them find hope
Unaware that you're barely able to cope
With all the things that are piled on your back
Trying to balance the tremulous stack
That feels like it's all about to fall—
But you hold onto your bluff and hope no one will call
It and force you to turn over your cards and reveal
The horrible truth of how you really feel.
The mask is smiling, it's veneer beguiling
The people you can't afford to let down,
Call me Pagliacci: the sad, sad clown,
Who puts one foot in front of the other:
Longing to be in another—
What? Life? Job? Body? Circumstance?
Maybe just sitting down with a fleeting chance
To rest a while and find something to calm
The raging emptiness inside me, an adequate balm
From Gilead (or, anywhere else would suffice)
To soothe the pain, something nice
To quiet my brain as it rattles around
An endless loop, stuck on this track:
No way forward, no way back.
I know that the seams are starting to show.
I know that the pressure will cause me to blow
Unless I find some relief and fast
Because I don't know how much longer I'm going to last.

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