Obstinate Faith or Stubborn Foolishness?

Do I really believe?
Have I fully committed my trust?
Or am I just going through motions
I'm too obstinate to abandon?
I don't pray a lot
Because I don't feel the same connection
And I don't read the Bible much
For the same bullshit reason.

I come to you on behalf of others.
I beseech you to show your love to strangers.
Do I believe there is a balm in Gilead for me?
Have I given up on feeling hope,
Or do I merely soldier on in hope?
Stumbling through the darkness,
Yearning for the light of grace to find me.
Am I too blind to see the truth?

I want to feel your presence.
I want to see your goodness.
Like John the Baptist, I find myself wondering:
Are you the answer or am I wasting my time?
The meds are working, I'm getting better
But I keep my depression and anxiety
Wrapped around me like a favorite sweater.
Banish these demons, I pray.

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